Originally posted by spd-dmn
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Steve one of the most prevalent issues I found in your piece was your serious overuse of commas.
I used to do the same thing and my grade 9 english teacher told me i had comma diarrhea. You have it too. So chill out a bit on the commas
eg. "Forget your physics professor, and his odd ability to recite every car ever made since 1901. "
don't need one there
"And unlike my BNR32 GT-R N1 post, this will be more of a test drive, and a heavy duty knowledge dose, if you will."
don't need those except perhaps between 'dose' and 'if'
"Their entry was their brand new Skyline 2000GTB/GT sedan, a small but lightweight offering, that offered decent performance at a better then decent price."
same thing.
and so on and so forth.
something else i noticed was your use of "it's" instead of the proper possessive pronoun "its".
Your sentence structure could use some work. there are many sentences with oddly or improperly joined clauses that could be rewritten more clearly.
eg. "Everyone knows the R35 GT-R, with it’s side-splitting power, speed, and handling, it is a great car."
the two clauses in that sentence would have been better separated by a semi-colon rather than a comma. Or divided into two separate sentences.
Finally, you used a couple words out of context
eg. "The car beholds a vicious temper."
Those are some of the things you can address if you'd like to clean up your writing a bit.
Sorry if this sounds overly critical but I can clearly see you love writing about cars and would love to see you improve your skills.
I used to do the same thing and my grade 9 english teacher told me i had comma diarrhea. You have it too. So chill out a bit on the commas
eg. "Forget your physics professor, and his odd ability to recite every car ever made since 1901. "
don't need one there
"And unlike my BNR32 GT-R N1 post, this will be more of a test drive, and a heavy duty knowledge dose, if you will."
don't need those except perhaps between 'dose' and 'if'
"Their entry was their brand new Skyline 2000GTB/GT sedan, a small but lightweight offering, that offered decent performance at a better then decent price."
same thing.
and so on and so forth.
something else i noticed was your use of "it's" instead of the proper possessive pronoun "its".
Your sentence structure could use some work. there are many sentences with oddly or improperly joined clauses that could be rewritten more clearly.
eg. "Everyone knows the R35 GT-R, with it’s side-splitting power, speed, and handling, it is a great car."
the two clauses in that sentence would have been better separated by a semi-colon rather than a comma. Or divided into two separate sentences.
Finally, you used a couple words out of context
eg. "The car beholds a vicious temper."
Those are some of the things you can address if you'd like to clean up your writing a bit.
Sorry if this sounds overly critical but I can clearly see you love writing about cars and would love to see you improve your skills.
And to be completely honest it felt great hearing it.
Not once did I even feel bad for making a mistake because you made it all come out so perfect. I do love writing about cars. I love it so much that it's a career I want to pursue, more then anything else.
Mike, thank you so much for your complete honesty and help. It means alot and I'll try to avoid that comma diarrhea! :wink:
Regards,
Steve.
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