Christmas Season Jokes!

[MattiasJacobs]

Ok I thought I'd start a funny thread. My joke might seem off. But I like it. Everyone type their favorite holiday joke! Happy Holidays!

There is two Snowmen standing in a Meadow. One Snowman turns to the other and says, "Hey, do you smell carrots?".

[Oakville]

I'd like to contribute my own...but my humour is more of a "make fun of something happening". I cant tell real jokes

[Daryl @ RightDrive]

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No you can have turkey like everyone else!

badabing!

[MattiasJacobs]

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No you can have turkey like everyone else!

badabing!

If you were from China I'd laugh even harder. Only because of their known diet.

[CDGuy]

Why is Santa like menopause?

Because he starts his trip going down, stops to get fatter, gives gifts to kids but nothing to the husband, goes up again, then seemingly sleeps for the rest of the year.

[RHDskyline]

What did the left nut say to the right nut?


Don't talk to the guy in the middle.....He's a Dink


I know its not a Christmas Joke, but its still a joke

[M13]

My theory of what Santa is in his true form:

[curtisgoodman]

ACK PEDO BEAR RUN LG'S

[frankiman]

1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
9) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
15) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
27) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
28) Fighting for peace is like ******* for virginity.
29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
35) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go.
37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
38) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
39) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.

[QuietChaos]

^Any more of those?

Here's one I stole from Facebook:

What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops after 3 ho's.

[sykline]

Why is Santa so happy around christmas?

Cuz Mrs. Santa says he comes once a year and he can't wait.

[MattiasJacobs]

A donkey falls into a lake from heat exhaustion. A rooster runs to help. Moral of the story: Hot wet ass, makes **** cum quick!

[raijin-xiii]

^Any more of those?

Here's one I stole from Facebook:

What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops after 3 ho's.

Damn you thinkalike!


How do you make QuietChaos laugh on boxing day?
Tell him a joke Christmas morning.

[raijin-xiii]

A donkey falls into a lake from heat exhaustion. A rooster runs to help. Moral of the story: Hot wet ass, makes **** cum quick!

you fail at your own thread's topic lol

[MattiasJacobs]

you fail at your own thread's topic lol

Haha yea. I was bored...