Guide a fellow GTRCer with a real life tragedy

[judasentinel]

I am not the one to throw out my dirty laundry, and usually do not talk about the lemons that I receive in lfie from time to time. However, this time is different. I have been smacked right in my face by something that has literally caused me to lose hope in life. I have no family, and very very few friends, who I do not wish to burden with my problems. GTRC is usually my only source of comfort and I have seen quite a few members who have come to the rescue of each other in various situations. I need help. I need real, tangible, help in the form of wisdom and reason, which will guide me in dealing with my situation in the most effective of manners. It is a bit of a sad story and is quite long if I put all my heart into it. But I would rather not do that, since it may get abit boring for the readers. But I need to let it out somehow for you guys if you can help me. Let me tell you my story:

I am 38 with 2 kids with my ex-wife. Up until 2009, I had been single for 4 years, at which point I fell in love with my co-worker, who I was best friends with. She was in a very very abusive relationship, both physically and emotionally. It got to a point where he beat her up and hurt her so much that she left him. It was an emergency situation and she turned to me for help. I took her in. I moved all her stuff from her ex's place to my place, and we started living together. Within a month of that though, she started to withdraw from me physically and emotionally, and then dropped the bomb on me that she had decided to go back to him. We were still working together. I was devastated. Had been recently promoted to a senior position in the bank. I had to move all her stuff back to her NEW place with her ex, who she had left before.

I promised to her that although she had broken my heart, I would stay her friend, because I knew what we had was real. She admitted to that but said that she had a lot of emotional and other pressures and she could not leave him. She said that he had changed as a person and wasn't drinking or doing drugs. I accepted it as it was. Deep inside I was broken.

To make things easier for both, she asked for a relocation of work. When she left, I was devastated. I could not stay at my work location either because it was a bitter reminder of the amazing times we had working together and the love that we had. I asked to be moved as well and was transferred to another location.

However, on a very emotional level, I was damaged and hurt beyond belief. Although I was now in a more senior position at work, I was unable to focus on the job. I tried my best to do justice to the new position but within 6 months my performance suffered so much that the senior management asked me to either resign OR take a demotion and go back to my previous position. Having to pay child support, I could not afford to lose my job and took the demotion. Throughout this time, I was still friends with her and she kept telling me that she loved me and wanted to come back, but couldn't. She asked me to be there for her if and when she needed me and I promised her my undying support, because that is just how I am - stupid and naiive at my age, blech!!

With the demotion, I was sent back to work in the exact same location where I used to work with her. First day at job, I enter my workplace, and had a nervous breakdown. I had to rush to the hospital and was admitted there for a month. For 3 FRIKKIN' months, I underwent treatment and therapy, during which time I did not speak to her. When I came out, I was a bit stronger. I reached out to her to see how she was. We started talking again. And then it all started again. We met quite a few times, and she shared her disdain for this guy who was still abusive and mean towards her. I asked her to leave him and just come back. I told her that I was devastated without her, but I would not be a mean person for what had happened to me as a result of her going back. Throughout the year, I kept helping her with emotional stuff and at work.

Jan 1st, 2010, she called me after midnight to tell me that she had to call the cops because her had abused her again and they took him away. She said she needed to move out. I went over to her place within an hour. I stayed with her all night, helping her through the trauma. She had bruises on her body. She asked me to help her move. The guy was in jail. We packed all her stuff, and I helped her find her own place 3 doors down from where I lived. I moved her into her new place and we decided to start our new life again. I was in 7th heaven!!

Little did I know that within 2 weeks of this, she started meeting him again, after he came out of the jail on bail. She kept telling me that he owed her money and she wanted to stay as friends. I let it go. And then slowly, within a month or so, she started to withdraw from me. I asked her why and she said that she was unable to handle being treated with respect and love and care. She said it was smothering her because she didnt know how to react to kindness. She introduced me to her family (who all love me and were happy she had left that abusive guy), and our life was heaven. But one day she said that she just wanted friendship and I could be her roommate, but nothing more. She wasnt sure where she was heading in life. I knew something was up.

A week ago, I found out from her when I called her bluff, that she had been secretly having sex with her ex again, and they had been meeting for extended hours at least a few times every week. They talk every day for a few times. She had stopped being sexually involved with me around a month and a half. When I confronted her as to why, she said that she wanted to see with HIM as to how it would go. He used to be fat and fugly, but since this had happened, she told me that he is fit and goes to the gym and has lost a lot of weight. She also said that when he is not drunk or stoned, he is a great guy. And that he had stopped doing any of that crap.

So long story short, she said that she would work it out with him. She is not leaving our house, but she wants me just as a friend. Her ex has his court date in a few days, and he may be looking at a few years behind bars. But I doubt that he will get anything because he has a good lawyer. And to top it off, she has agreed to testify in court that he did not abuse her as she was also drunk and under the influence of meds, and she may have pushed him.

I have been crushed by this. I helped her out twice out of the same situation, and always treated her with love and care, to which she also admits. She promised me that we would be toether. She promised that I was the one. She broke every word that she had given me. She has done the same thing to me twice. Now I am living with her, but I sleep on the floor in the living room. The intimate stuff we had bought together, now she uses to enjoy her time with her ex at a hotel or his place. I haven't eaten anything in 3 days and am coming to my wit's end. She prefers to have dinners with him.

There seems to be no support and no guidance available to me. I am turning to you guys, to help me make sense of this whole situation. I dont have money and the only option I have is to sell my GTR, which I hate myself for doing. What would you do? If I had money, I would just go far far away, but I dont. We both signed the lease and she is ok with me leaving.

Should I avenge? Should I forgive? Should I tell her off? What shoud I do? Everyone says to cut my losses and leave. But there is this fire burning inside of me that tells me that I need to avenge. And it is not like me. i am angry, and sad. Very sad.......very very sad.

[Brando13]

I'm no therapist. But I have seen my friends go through this. There's nothing you can do but get out. Most women who have been abused will always go back to the abuser. Why? Usually its a case of serious childhood trauma (abusive father?) so they will always sub consciously go and look for abusers so the van have what they had back in their childhood. I know its a weird way of thinking but its true.
So this woman will never really be capable of full love and she is just bringing you down. Tpu have kids right? They should be your number 1 in life not some traumatized woman. She needs therapy not you. You need to get out and live your life with your kids and your GTR.

Just my 2 cents. I can't post well either due to being on my blackberry since I am without proper internet ATM.

[hozer]

Sorry for your luck brother. Never a good thing to be hurt like that... Got a few things for you, some are a tad hard to hear, but being in Health Care I have dealt with a lot of this kind of trouble.

1. If you are a religious man, you need to delve back into it. A persons religion can be of immense strength to them in times such as these. If you don't have a religion and care to hear about mine you can PM me.

2. You have a clear psychological attachment to this woman. As she continues to inflict emotional damage to you, the attraction actually becomes stronger. As she hurts you, your brain is telling you its something to do with you, thus you continue on a self destructive path, seeking to "improve". You try and correct your actions because your brain is physical telling you that, but its not you.

You stated that you don't really have anybody and this is where the problem stems from. According to Maslow, human belongingness is an essential need of a human being. The chemicals (dopamine) released in your brain when she "accepts" you, in a very simplified manner, you have become addicted to. Based upon what you have said, it appears that she is really the only "loving" interaction you have been receiving. Given the previous statements, physiologically, you are addicted to a reaction you have only been receiving from her.

"When there is not enough dopamine secreted to keep the frontal cortex intact we become disorganized, suffer from attention deficit disorder (ADD), grow emotionally labile, and experience states of anxiety and panic. Small infants of depressed mothers, for example, show a right-side frontal asymmetry of the brain. One part of the brain is doing too much work, and it suffers. This may be how later in life we become intellectuals, the left cortex concocting notions and ideas to combat feelings in the right. It is the right that contains much of our early lack of love"

You are not abnormal for experiencing this, nor are you physical reactions to the stress involved. Lack of sleep, no eating, lack of drive are all symptoms of such cases.
Cases like this are really hard to deal with because of the power of the human mind. It really takes over in a situation like this and is incredibly tough to break, you really need others to help support you.

PM me if you want my email and we can talk if it helps.


EDIT: Brando is correct, however, the lack of others in judas' life completely changes the situation. Unfortunately it is very hard to undo this, and the love that children provide isn't the kind he lacks.

[Driftacular]

What Brando13 says is true, a girl like that will always go back.. It is (unfortunately) hopefully to keep trying... though it may not be a wise decision to move out.. or have her move out.. I think it is something you have to do to "get out" of this situation. If she moves out, you still have your place and than just forget about her. Lose all contact, and find something else to proiritise yourself with..so you dont think about it. If you move out, same thing..lose all contact.

Also about the kid thing.. I also believe you should maybe put them as your number 1, if you can, this might help you alot to try and get outta the cycle with this girl.

Selling your GTR seems like a very bad move in my opinion..I'd say USE your GTR to help yourself. You are clearly an common user of GTRC with 14xx posts... selling your GTR shouldnt even be an option. I suggest coming out to more meets in toronto (whether they be GTRC or other ones even..(son240sx..big ones every friday)..or events/shows). This way you can make new friends and contacts, and you never know maybe find a different new women.

But truely finding a new women or even a new passtime will aid you outta this.


Hope this helps!
-Shawn

EDIT:
holy hozer is a freakin doctor at this. listen to him. lol

[cobrAA]

I'M only 20yr but when my ex-gf ''broke my heart'' to go with a stupid guy that she left 1 month after our relation, I decided it was times to think about other things than ***** and love. At first, I wanted a Teg but a friend told me about the skyline, I felt in love with that car.

Took times to buy my GTR and I appreciate so much now. I now have another gf who is fabolous, but whenever I don't feel good, I either think-work or drive my gtr or go play hockey.

Man, you have 2 childs, think about them, spend times with them and drive your GTR. F*ck that b*tch, she's a waste seriously.She will always go back.

[NismoS-tune]

I'm young at 28, happily married but I've been around girls in that situation. Damaged goods is all I can say. There's not much you can do for her. She'll either wind up in a women's home, stay with him and take the beatings like a mule or worse. I'm sure she's a good person but you'd best forget about it and move on. Don't help her since she doesn't want help. She's using you as a way out though she doesn't want out. At some point, he might turn on you which is what I would do if I was sick like that and watching you come take her from me. Move on man, ignore her, don't think about it, AVOID her and him. Jerking off is great when you wanna think clearly lol.

There are others out there needing help and willing to take it. She just wants someone to feel pity when he beats her. It happens often. My wife has a pretty friend that is dating a girlfriend beater but she "loves" him so she won't listen to us. We show no pity when she complains and we're still friends. It's her problem. She just doesn't talk about it no more You can't help people who won't help themselves. You keep hanging around and it's just going to hurt you more.

[hozer]

You guys are all posting good tips, however the advantage your cases have over judas' is friends.

My friends told me to get a Teg, my friend dated a girl. Comparing such situations to each other is like apples and oranges, they are nowhere near the same. In a case where you are still receiving "loving interaction" from people around you, you are only suffering from a "heartbreak", a severance of a desirable human connection. However, you brain is still functioning at a normal capacity and things like hobbies and time will heal you up, such is not the case with Judas.

Having said this, I do think the GT-R is a valuable resource to you. A common grounds to a very large community of people, if possible incorporate your children into this. The only problem is, he needs a real connection and GT-R friends, gym friends, hobby friends or whatever have you need to move beyond the "common item" to be of any lasting benefit, something that requires a true bond to do.

EDIT: Nismo is right. You need to remove yourself from the situation, but you have to be prepared to say no if she comes back. You need to remove yourself from the negative and surround yourself with the positive

[judasentinel]

You guys are right on so many levels. I love my kids, but they are the ONLY ones in my life now. This woman, who I invested myself emotionally into for the last 2 years, was the only other source of love that I ever received. hozer is right about that. I have nothing else and no one else to turn to.

It is hard for me to move out without the financial support. I have the money to rent out another place, but dont have the money to move my car, as it is in parts, UNLESS I can buy a set of wheels to do that. And I cannot find the wheels to go with a GTR within the $750 budget. If I do go for stock wheels and tires, then I am unable to do anything for better wheels for a long time. But that is another story. Not my priority. My tragedy is my heart.

All my life, I was always considered a genius, somewhat of an eccentric, and so I pursued higher education and delved deeper and deeper into religion, spirituality and psychology. I mugged up Maslow, Herzberg, Kant, Spinoza, Plato, etc., along with the bible, quran, torah, etc., only to find that none of this is real, or it is only as real as our perceptions make it. I felt alone, lonely, yet connected with everything around me.

But somewhere along the line, I discovered that I had love missing in my lfie. Surely, my kids love me. But there was something else missing. And I gave in to that, and fell for her. Don't get me wrong, guys. If you meet her, she will charm you beyond belief. She is beautiful on the outside, and equally nice on the inside. But the tragedy is that she broke her word. She went back on everything that she said. I had transformed my whole life around her, in every way. I took hits on myself, while I protected her at work. I made the mistake of accommodating her needs in my life before my own. And I didnt do it to rub them in her face. I did it because I believed that was what love meant - to put someone else's needs before your own. She saw that too, and admitted that she believed in love, our love. And yet, once again, she failed to follow through. That hurts. Im at work, but nothing seems to be helping. I am feeling as if my heart is going to jump out of my mouth right now. Damn these tears!!

[hozer]

If you are not one to accept the spiritual then unfortunately it is of little use to you. Being a Christian myself, I would encourage you to go to a church, not necessarily for the message, but for the people. If seen crazy things happen before.

Back to the tangible... I would also recommend that you do move out. Right now your brain is physically unable to detach from her, nor will it be able to until someone steps in to give the "love" that you felt from her. Living in the same quarters is destructive to helping yourself, GT-R is gonna have to wait. I would send you my old wheels but I sold them...

The woman you speak of does sound like quite the woman, however with the abuse she has suffered and her reaction to it, I can guarantee that she was abused as a child. Such "emotional baggage" takes years to correct, and often never fully heals. Until she solves her own issues, she will be incapable to love as a human being. If one cannot love the self, one can not love others.

You seem to be a very intelligent individual, however from a medical standpoint I must say, DO NOT turn to drugs, alcohol, or even entertain thoughts of self destruction. These will ruin not only your life, but the life of your children.

[judasentinel]

hozer, please check your pm.

You are right about not delving into anything negative like drugs, alcohol or anything else that is destructive. I have never touched them, nor will I ever. My only vice is smoking.

And I am deeply spiritual and religious. God is an important part of my life, and will always be. I cannot imagine this universe without a creator and can prove to even Richard Dawkins that his ideas about a godless universe are based on the existence of God. So that aspect of my life is I think secure.

I know I should move out and I will. However, I have to come to terms with eliminating her out of my life. But then the very thought you put forth - who else is there for me? Yes, God is always with all of us.....but in a more tangible form, what are my options? One cannot just get up and go to a social setting and make die-hard friends. Psych support groups are also just a stop-gap arrangement, and they dont help.

I plan to somehow find the inner strength to deal with this. It is killing me.....but I also know in God's words that He doesn't burden anyone beyond what that person can bear. I guess I have tremendous strength that this is coming to me.

[Brando13]

If you were in Calgary I'd be your friend judas. I ditched all mine recently and I could always use another friend =) but deffs keep the GTR. Or sell it to a friend who would be willing to sell it back to you once your financial issues are solved.

[hozer]

Responded. Tangible love is a tough issue to navigate because you need to find someone equally as willing as yourself. Psych groups are of benefit but as I previously stated, you will have put yourself into a negative environment, and these people only have the same issue you do. I am not of much help in regards to that though really... My experiences are limited mostly to a religious setting.

From the details you have given about yourself though, it does appear to me as though you will be able to emerge from this situation. You are educated, you have firm believes and you don't appear to be irrational. Not having an attachment is really the only issue here.

[Driftacular]

If i had a spare set of rims id lend you them!! Ill ask around see if someone around us does so if you do move out (as suggested..and probably the best current choice).. you can at least move you GTR with u!! (Hell ill store it for u if you need)
i hope you work this out! and even if it may not be "love" that you might find at a meet, you sure as hell find good friends

[Snow]

Here is how I would look at it.

This woman is a sucker for punishment essentially right? She keeps going back... No matter what he does.... How hard he hits her? How mentally traumatizing he can be?

Now tell me what's different in your situation with her? Well she doesn't hit you. Good on her. But honestly (and you won't like this now, but might thank me later) she is just as abusive to you, as he is to her. And what do you do? Keep going back...

You criticize her for being stupid. I hope you can look at yourself critically too. In my mind she is just as bad as her abusive bf. Take your own advice, the advice you gave her, and get out. Forget about her.

Keep the GTR. When I saw you needed wheels I was ready to drive out and lend you mine... until I saw you lived in Toronto. Hell, bolt up some Mustang steelies just to move it. Even just to take it around the block, let boost put a smile on your face, but more importantly, get involved with the GTR community near you. Work on your car yourself as you will take pride in what you accomplish, and some of the best friends you will ever make, are the friends that will sacrifice their knuckles for yours on those awkwardly placed, stubbornly seized turbo elbow bolts.

[judasentinel]

You guys are all frikkn' hilarious.....for the first time in a week, I am smiling. Snow, dude, I wish i was on west cost...would ve taken you up on the offer.

Guess its time for me to find some steelies and flatbed the biatch out.

And you're right about me being abused. She IS abusing me just as he was to her. And I keep going back to her because I feel my salvation is in being the rescuer. I just had a very long telephone chat with hozer. He knocked some sense into me. He had some very pertinent and cogent points that resonated with me. I think I know what i am going to do. I will move out.

I will stay friends, but my issue, as he correctly pointed out, is attachment. Attachment stems from ego that wants to increase its identification and significance by attaching itself to things beyond our real self. And therein lies the problem. I will be just a friend, but I wont be there for her anymore. I have given her my word that when she goes on vacation in June, I will take care of her dog, and will drive her to the license test in the next few days. After that, I am not doing her any mroe favors.

I need to divert my anger into something positive. I need to find out if I can get a loan from somewhere to get my car going. I need to buy back all the parts I sold, so I can be back in my beloved Skyline again.

If you guys know of someone who would be willing to sell me parts on installments and take money from me for them in 3 months, I can buy the things I need. This will give me enough time to put it together and be running by August 2010.

But first things first, I need to detach myself from her. I wont be rude to her, but I wont be too eager either. I'm just disgusted with the way I ended up being abused. Finding a good woman would be so hard and deceptive, I never thought......